Yesterday, while most people were out having lunch except those during the lunch shift, a security guard locked herself in the basement toilet, put her service revolver to her head and shot herself.
I couldn't sleep last night because I kept running faces through my mind, wondering which one of the familiar faces it was. There are significantly fewer numbers of female security guards vs the male ones so I wondered, I wondered which. Could it have been the stout girl with glasses whom we often shared a joke with? The skinnier one with great eyesight I'd see at the car park?
The gunshot must have brought people running to investigate. Upstairs, many did not hear a thing, separated by many floors and doors, the basement is a quiet, stale, place where your footsteps are the only things you hear when you walk down the long corridors leading to freezing rooms filled with machinery.
She was 20 years old. Guard duty is long hours of nothing to do except your assigned patrol route. If your shift is good, you man the gantries at the front entrance with others. Else it's 12 hours of walking alone with nothing but your thoughts for company. Nothing to do except think, walk, stand and no one to talk to.
Did she despair for her future? Did she have relationship problems?
She must have felt all alone. Typically she must have left her family behind in Malaysia and come here alone to work here. 12 hours a day, irregular hours. "Home" is a small rented room to sleep in, maybe with a roommate you never see. Did she know she was depressed and there was help available? Did she know, but feel there was no way out due to fear of losing her job? After all, admitting mental instability could have possibly meant her being relieved of her job duties.
I wish she did not feel that taking her life was the only way left to her. I wish also that people understood the lonely desperation of the suicidal. I hope her family does not blame themselves.
Whether there is an afterlife or not, I hope she is free from pain now.